Et j’ai compris

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J’ai été charmé par les morts qui courent. Plus d’effets, même plus rien, rien du tout. Je ne connaissais pas la mort, ni les tralalas qui viennnent avec, pleurs, cris, roulements en boule, hurlements en boucle, métaphores du silence éternel.

La première fois que j’ai vu la mort c’était le 12 janvier 2010. C’était pas beau à voir . Beaucoup trop de morts, trop de particules humaines empilées, entassées, rapprochées, sans couverture.

A l’air, au sol, sous le soleil coulait le lixiviat de leurs corps. On les humait, les ralait par le nez, la bouche, les pores, tous nos trous. Plein de trous pour les mettre sans obsèques, sans croix, sans cérémonies pour Baron, pour certains ,et pour d’autres.

Tous ces corps qui font peur et ces peurs qui tuent, ensemble expiré expression parfaite de l’enfermement, du déni, du désaveu. Postulat non corfimé de Grann Brigitte qui s’encanaille à danser, mais plutôt à prier, à protéger, à surveiller tous ces corps. Et ma mère qui pleurait. Pleurait la perte de sa mère (ma grand-mère).

Je ne comprenais rien, j’avais juste 10 ans ( 10ans 8mois 15jours 16heures et 53minutes exact). Je ne pouvais pas comprendre ou ne voulais pas. Peut-être que mon petit frère avait saisi ce qui se passait, il pleurait, pas moi. Peut-être qu’il singeait ma mère , Je ne saurai jamais. Mais il avait de l’attention, ces genres de je sais ce que tu ressens, je te comprends, ne pleure pas petit, je partage ta peine, hypocrites et sinceres.

[…..] on venait à peine de se ressasser des 10 ans de la mort de grand-mère. Elle l’avait fait sûrement. Qui ? Ma nennenn, la petite sœur de maman. Cette quadragénaire ou quinquagénaire, (je sais pas vraiment / je devrais demander à maman), était ma marraine.

Je ne sais pas vraiment quelles sont les exigences de ce titre mais elle l’a bien fait, même trop, sans reproches. Et le 4 juin 2020 ma marraine est partie. Cette fois ci j’ai compris. Elle n’était pas vieille, même si son éclat a été insulté par le temps, elle devrait pas mourir. Elle est partie.

Pour me dédouaner de ton départ nennenn je me fais animal, bête, sauvage, pour échapper à l’implosion je m’évade dans nos souvenirs.
Prends ton envol cerf-volant, que le vent brise ton étreinte, tes ailes.

C’est la deuxième fois que j’ai vu maman pleurer. Et cette fois-ci j’ai compris et j’ai pleuré.

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